Jokes

[bouillabaisseball]

A young man falls into conversation with a wrinkled old man in the park and asks him what is his secret for a long life. “I smoke a packet of cigarettes every day, “the old man explains, "I drink a bottle of vodka every weekend, I only eat fast food and I never do exercises.“
But that’s incredible, says the woman. "Do you mind me asking what age you are? “Of, course not.“ says the man “I am twenty-seven.“

A man goes to see the doctor. He has a carrot in his right ear, a banana in his left ear and a cucumber up in his nose. “What’s the matter with me?“ he asks the doctor. “You are not eating properly.“

Doctor, doctor my hair keeps falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in? “Have this paper bag.“

“How old is your wife?“ – “Approaching thirty.“ – “From which direction?“

What is the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
One kisses the misses and the other misses the kisses.

Marriage ist the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then you see what the other fellow has and wish you had ordered that.

Do you think marriage is a lottery? – With a lotterie you do have a slight chance.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count and whose who can’t.

What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do men like clever women? – Because opposites attract.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
Did you hear about the mother-in-law who complimented her daughter’s husband? – She called him a perfect idiot.
Mixed feelings are when you see your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.
The wife’s mother said: “When you are dead I’ll dance on your grave.“ I said – Good I’m being buried at sea.“

A man orders a pizza at a restaurant. “Would you like that cut into six pieces or twelve?“
asks the waiter. “Better make it six.“ the man replies. “I don’t think I could manage twelve.

I believe sex between two people is a beautiful experience. Between five is fantastic!
Why did the king go to the dentist? – To have his teeth crowned.
What’s black and smelly and hangs from the ceiling? – A bad electrician.

Did you hear about the man who was shocked when he read about the danger of smoking? - He gave up reading.
Which hand should you use to handle a poisonous snake? – Someone else’s
There are two rules for success in life. One is never tell everything you know.
Why do teachers wear sunglasses? – because their pupils are so bright.
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Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.