Please check for grammar and tenses

[Sedge]

Der folgende Text entstand (bzw. entsteht gerade ^^) im Rahmen eines Writing Skills Kurses und soll ein Character Sketch sein.

Ich sollte wohl noch mehr auf die Charakterisierung an sich eingehen, meine Bitte wäre hauptsächlich ein Check auf Grammatik und Tenses. Weitere Vorschläge werden natürlich auch gerne angenommen

==============================

It was hot. Everything he was wearing was soaked with sweat. The sun burned on his hat and for the blink of an eye he was blinded by the bright sunlight. They must have been walking for... for how long? He couldn't remember. They were in a forest, somewhere in Asia. Where exactly was not important. Important was what: the mission. They were the good guys, and they had to take down the bad guys. The bad guys were sitting next to the anti-aircraft-gun which was located behind the next hill. The good guys were... well, officially they even did not exist. Their team was part of the Special Forces of the United States Army, and they were sent here because of...he didn't knew and he didn't cared at all. He was not into politics, but he was into his job. And boy, he loved it. He was one of the best elite-soldiers on the planet and he and his buddys were going to blow something up.
Suddenly he heared a voice in his headset, “Team Bravo, do you copy? We have you on GPS. Distance to target is 2 klicks. Within the range of vision in 1 klick.” The target was an anti-aircraft-gun and the operating personnel they had to take out. They were approaching the hill. They had left the protecting area of the forest since a while, so they would have made a quite good target by now. “I'm takin' the left flank.” - “Right flank!” He pushed the button to use the team radio: “Middle!” For a last time he checked the ammo of his M4 carbine. Fully loaded, as he expected it. It was a compact assault rifle and he was able to use it.
He kneeled down into the waist-high grass. He literally became invisible, due to his camouflage clothing and the protective mimicry in his face. Slowly he moved towards the top of the hill, invisible, silent, deathly. He reached the top of the hill and lay down, hiding in the dry grass. He didn't see his fellows, but he knew they were there. As himself they were in sight range of the target, waiting, observing the situation. As he peeked through the scope of his rifle he saw the massive cannon they were about to destroy. Right next to it was a fireplace where two skinny, bearded men were cooking. A third person scuffled around the cannon and though he had his AK-47 in firing position he looked rather sleepy. The operating personnel of the anti-aircraft-gun didn't expect nothing. It was the perfect kill: Three snipers, three targets.
The soldiers announced the target they could hit best, “At the fireplace. The one in the brown jacket.” - “Fireplace. Red jacket.” He pressed the button for the team radio, “O.K. I'll take the armed guard. At my signal!” He checked the wind. The grass was hardly moving, almost no wind. Perfect. “3.” He aimed for the head. He knew that his buddies were doing the same. “2.” He had to adjust his position a little bit, the guard was moving..... But right at this moment, the guard lit a cigarette and was standing still. “1.” They were about to shoot. “Zero!”
But... nothing happened: The screen was freezed, and the “Disconnect”-Icon showed up. He found himself in front of his gaming-pc. No elite-soldier anymore but a fat, long-haired nerd in a dark, messy room in a basement. “Oh mom! Did you just switch off the router?!” From upstairs a thin voice answered in a singing tone, “Yes my dear! Lunch is ready! My boy needs to eat something!” “Mom, fuck you” he thought. “I am a 24 year old virgin living in the basement of my mom. I need my own apartement. Tomorrow I'll write job-applications. Promised.”
_________________
- = Meine Stadt = - <= Bitte klicken, brauche Einwohner

[ingot]

Hi Sedge,

corrections are between dashes: -- --, suggestions are in parentheses.

When using a form of "do" such as in questions or negatives, the person and tense is always expressed by "do" + infinitive: What DID he say? Does he know? He DIDN'T say anything.

It was hot. Everything he was wearing was soaked with sweat. The sun burned -- was burning -- on his hat, and for the blink of an eye he was blinded by the bright sunlight. They must have been walking for... for how long? He couldn't remember. They were in a forest, somewhere in Asia. Where exactly, was not important. Important was what -- It was the mission that was important -- ( What mattered was the mission ) the mission. They were the good guys, and they had to take down -- out -- the bad guys. The bad guys were sitting next to the antiaircraft gun which was located ( positioned ) behind the next hill. The good guys were... well, officially, they even did --not even -- exist. Their team was part of the Special Forces of the United States Army, and they were sent here because of...he didn't knew --know -- and he didn't cared --care -- at all. He was not into politics, but he was into his job. And boy, he loved it ( boy, did he love it! ) He was one of the best elite soldiers on the planet and he and his buddys --buddies --were going to blow something up.
Suddenly, he heared -- heard -- a voice in his headset, “Team Bravo, do you copy? We have you on GPS. Distance to target is 2 klicks. Within the range of vision in 1 klick.” The target was an antiaircraft gun and the operating personnel -- crew -- they had to take out. They were approaching the hill. They had left the protecting --protective --area of the forest since a while --some time ago--, so they would have made quite a good target by now. “I'm takin' the left flank.” - “Right flank!” He pushed the button to use the team radio: “Middle! ” ( "center" ) For a last time he checked the ammo of his M4 carbine. Fully loaded, as he expected (it ) delete. It was a compact assault rifle and he was able to use it-- he knew how to use it--.
He kneeled -- knelt --down in(to) the waist-high grass. He literally ? (almost ) became invisible, due to his camouflage clothing --outfit --and the protective mimicry -- paint on in his face. Slowly he moved towards the top of the hill, invisible, silent, deathly --deadly--. He reached the top of the hill and lay down, hiding in the dry grass. He didn't see his fellows --buddies--, but he knew they were there. As himself --Like he /him -- they were in sight range --within sight of the target--, waiting, observing the situation. As he peeked --sighted -- through the scope of his rifle he saw the massive cannon they were about to destroy. Right next to it was a fireplace --(camp)fire-- where two skinny, bearded men were cooking. A third person scuffled -- was shuffling ? -- around the cannon and, though he had his AK-47 in firing position, he looked rather sleepy. The operating personnel --crew -- of the antiaircraft gun didn't expect nothing --anything--. It was the perfect kill: Three snipers, three targets.
The soldiers announced the target they --each --could hit best, “At the fireplace. The one in the brown jacket.” - “Fireplace. Red jacket.” He pressed the button for the team radio, “O.K. I'll take the armed guard. At my signal!” He checked the wind. The grass was hardly moving, almost no wind. Perfect. “3.” He aimed for the head. He knew that his buddies were doing the same. “2.” He had to adjust his position a little bit, the guard was moving..... But right at this moment, the guard lit a cigarette and was standing still. “1.” They were about to shoot. “Zero!”
But... nothing happened: The screen was freezed --had frozen--, and the “Disconnect”-Icon showed up. He found himself in front of his gaming-pc. No elite soldier anymore, but a fat, long-haired nerd in a dark, messy room in a basement. “Oh mom! Did you just switch off the router?!” From upstairs a thin voice answered in a singing ( lilting )tone, “Yes my dear! Lunch is ready! My boy needs to eat something!” “Mom, fuck you” he thought. “I am a 24 -year -old virgin , living in the basement of my mom ( my mom's basement ). I need my own apartement --apartment--. Tomorrow, I'll write job O applications. Promised --Promise--.”

Gruß
ingot


___

[/u]
_________________
When the final curtain drops, the applause may be less than thunderous. So what! There is no more need for bows.

[bouillabaisseball]

Na wenigstens hat die Geschichte noch ein halbwegs gutes Ende genommen.
Warum ist am Schluss "promised" nicht korrekt?
Sagen wir denn nicht auch "dies und jenes mache ich morgen (werde ich morgen machen), versprochen".
_________________
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[ingot]

Bei uns heißt das nun mal "( I ) promise", wenn man das idiomatisch wiedergeben möchte. Andere Sprachen, andere Sitten
_________________
When the final curtain drops, the applause may be less than thunderous. So what! There is no more need for bows.

[ingot]

Dazu fällt mir noch ein, dass sich dieses "promise" auch von "it's a promise" ableiten ließe. Unter den geschilderten Umständen wäre sicher die Kurzform
"promise" gefallen.
_________________
When the final curtain drops, the applause may be less than thunderous. So what! There is no more need for bows.

[Sedge]

Leicht überarbeitet.

Falls ihr Tips habt, wie man die Geschite lebendiger gestalten kann, immer her damit

======================

For the blink of an eye he was blinded by the bright sunlight. They must have been walking for... for how long? He didn't know. They were in a woodland, somewhere in Asia. Where exactly, was not important. It was the mission that was important. It was simple: They were the good guys, and they had to take out the bad guys. The bad guys were sitting next to the antiaircraft gun which was positioned behind the next hill. The good guys were... well, officially, they did not even exist. Their team was part of the Special Forces of the United States Army, and they were sent here because of... he didn't know and he didn't care at all. He was not into politics, but he was into his job. And boy, did he love it! He was one of the best elite soldiers on the planet and he and his buddies were going to blow something up. The three of them marched in line, with a distance of about 20 feet between each of them. They had left the protective area of the forest some time ago, so they had to be quite close to the target. 1
Suddenly, he heard a voice in his headset, “Team Bravo, do you copy? We have you on GPS. Distance to target is 2 klicks. Within the range of vision in 1 klick.” The target was an antiaircraft gun and the operating crew they had to take out. As they were approaching the hill his buddies announced their flanks “I'm takin' the left flank.” - “Right flank!” He pushed the button to use the team radio: “Center!” For a last time he checked the ammo of his M4 carbine. Fully loaded, as he expected. It was a compact assault rifle and he knew how to use it.
It was an open range so they would have made quite a good target by now. He knelt down into the waist-high grass. He almost became invisible, due to his camouflage outfit and the protective paint on in his face. Slowly he moved towards the top of the hill, invisible, silent, deadly. He reached the top of the hill and lay down, hiding in the dry grass. He didn't see his buddies, but he knew they were there. Like him they were within sight of the target, waiting, observing the situation. As he sighted through the scope of his rifle he saw the massive cannon they were about to destroy. Right next to it was a campfire where two skinny, bearded men were cooking. A third person scuffled around the cannon and, though he had his AK-47 in firing position, he looked rather sleepy. The operating crew of the antiaircraft gun didn't expect anything. It was the perfect kill: Three snipers, three targets.
The soldiers announced the target each could hit best, “At the fireplace. The one in the brown jacket.” - “Fireplace. Red jacket.” He pressed the button for the team radio, “O.K. I'll take the armed guard. At my signal!” He checked the wind. The grass was hardly moving, almost no wind. Perfect. “3.” He aimed for the head. He knew that his buddies were doing the same. “2.” He had to adjust his position a little bit, the guard was moving..... But right at this moment, the guard lit a cigarette and was standing still. “1.” They were about to shoot. “Zero!”

But... nothing happened: The monitor screen had frozen, and the “Disconnect”-Icon showed up. He found himself in front of his PC. No elite soldier anymore, but a fat nerd in a dark, windowless room. The display illuminated his pale, fuzzy-bearded face. He switched on the desk lamp to bring a little bit of light into his messy room. “Mom! Did you just switch off the router?!” he shouted reproachful. From upstairs a thin voice answered in a lilting tone, “Yes my dear! Lunch is ready! My boy needs to eat something!” “Oh mom, shut up” he thought. “I am a 24 years old and I live in my mom's basement. I need my own apartment. Tomorrow, I'll write job applications. Promise.”
_________________
- = Meine Stadt = - <= Bitte klicken, brauche Einwohner

[ingot]

I must have overlooked this:...he shouted reproachfully ( adverb ).
ingot
_________________
When the final curtain drops, the applause may be less than thunderous. So what! There is no more need for bows.

[Sedge]

Thank you!
_________________
- = Meine Stadt = - <= Bitte klicken, brauche Einwohner